when was the last time you did something for the first time?

i want to start carrying my sketch book around again. fill it with ideas, inspirations, quotes, sketches. instead of messing around with my phone trying to fake importance alone at a cafe. i rather bust out my sketchbook and let my thoughts run wild on paper and pen. take it back to the days when i was more hopeful and i’d fill those pages like it were nothing.

i’ve been sitting comfortably on a plateau for the past four years or so. career wise. i get the economy is still hard and it’s not the best of times to test the waters. but fuck it, why not. when will it ever be safe? on paper, i’m a designer slash aspiring architect. in reality, i’m on facebook eight hours of the day and attempting to draft AutoCad lines every hour or so just to look busy. i’m in a rutt. and i desperately need out.

this isn’t what i was meant to be. i’ve been blessed with creativity, with seeing things in a different light. i haven’t pinpointed exactly what i want to pursue and even if i never do find that out, i know that this isn’t what it is. and that’s the first step. i’ve realized architecture isn’t necessarily for me. with all the codes and requirements, it’s just not for me. and i think i already realized this during my undergraduate years. but i was just flowing with the motions. get my degree, test out the industry. but after six years of working and even furthering my education with a masters, it comes back to the first realization. it’s just not for me. i want to create without restrictions. without realizing that gravity can set loads on a building. without being liable that actual occupants will inhabit these spaces. without dealing with the city and going back and forth between contractors, vendors, and the like.

i just want to make you feel good. look at something i’ve created and see you smile. or cry. or laugh. just emote something and i’ll feel that i’ve done my job. so until then, i want to carry around my sketchbook again. taking notes on life. what inspires me, sketch out things unseen. i need to be inspired again. get moving. because sitting here idle isn’t taking me anywhere. i need to be placed out of my element. struggle a bit. but at least i’ll know, i’m getting there.      

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