Words I Could Have Said

Maybe In Another Universe, I Deserve You

MAY. 14, 2012 

What if, in another universe, I deserve you?

Hear me out. There’s this philosopher from the 1890s named William James, and he coined this theory about “the multiverse” which suggests that a hypothetical set of multiple universes comprises everything that can possibly exist simultaneously.

Are you following? The entirety of space, time, matter and energy is all happening at once in different timelines: It’s the idea of parallel universes. Right? So okay, let’s presume the multiverse is real.

Well then, maybe somewhere in those infinite universes is one, or several, where I deserve you.

Maybe there’s a universe out there — happening now — where we end up together and when I close my eyes at night, I’m not dreaming the way a normal person would. Instead I’m seeing flashes of our lives in the multiverse. They’re not simple dreams because I miss you, right? They’re scientific, anachronistic visions.

For instance:

In this universe, I don’t want a family, but maybe in another, I’m more of the type to settle down. Maybe there’s a universe where you hold my hand while I give birth to our daughter in a white hospital room with pink flowers and fuzzy teddy bears on the window sill. Where we take family vacations and pose for dorky pictures in our neon bathing suits on the sands of a Florida beach. Where we curl up to watch a cheesy movie at the end of a long day in our big, green, suburban house once the kids have fallen asleep.

Maybe there’s a universe where we are middle-aged and taking our child to college and bickering over where to put her dresser or what posters she should hang up. Where you kiss her on the forehead ‘goodbye’ and we drive home in contented, proud silence, your fingers grazing my knuckles, our wedding rings glistening. Where we both have gray hair and we laugh and smile and hug and drink lemonade on the porch.

Maybe there’s a universe where that’s the life I want. Where I don’t second guess everything and I’m not afraid of commitment and of the future and of love. Maybe there’s a universe without all the noise in my head and the pride that makes me so fiercely independent and the coldness in my heart that I can turn on and off like a security fence.

Maybe there’s a universe where I’m the right person for you. Where I adore every nice thing you did for me without starting to resent you. A universe where you actually end up with someone who appreciates you. Where no one becomes a doormat. Where both of us can shed our baggage and curiosity and issues. A universe where we’re happy — without wondering if that happiness is some messed-up Jenga game ready to topple at the slightest quiver. A universe where we’re comfortable and sure, and we have cats.

Maybe there’s a universe where we fall asleep next to each other every night like spoons, like two innocent bunnies — my face buried in your neck, hugging your warmth — and we both don’t want anything or anybody else. Where we don’t want more, we just want each other.

Maybe there’s a universe where I don’t covet so much all the time and where I’m content and where I don’t wonder about picking up and moving to Japan without saying anything to anyone and where at this very juncture, I can just know I’ll always want to come home and cook dinner with you.

If you think of it all this way, then it’s like neither of us did anything wrong.

You just found me in the wrong universe. That’s all. This is, as they say, the darkest timeline. Everywhere else, nay, “everywhen” else — us in the Civil War, us in Ancient Egypt, us in the swinging ’60s — we are happy.

If this theory holds, well, by the law of averages, there had to be oneuniverse — just this one — where we don’t end up together. Here and now just happens to be it. If you think of it this way, nothing is our fault.

So see, that explains everything. We’re not together anymorebecause of the multiverse.

Well, isn’t that comforting?

If you’re sad, do like I do and just think of the other ‘verses. The ones where I believe in love and where I don’t hate myself and where I never feel the need to kamikaze relationships. A universe where wecan have nice things. It’s helpful, right?

Because you could have loved me forever. And maybe in another universe, I let you.


late post. written sometime in aug 2013 at some starbucks.

1:31 AM – would you be happier if i wasn’t around, honestly?

i know he had been drinking and he often rambles when he does. and i know i wasn’t in the most sober of states. but his text still bothered me.

the words burned through my shut eyes, as i tried to fall asleep.

because the truth of the matter is, i’m happy with him. and i’m happy without.

because honestly, i don’t see the vision of us down the line in the distant future.  i don’t see the white picket fences and the two kids and the one dog.  i don’t see the security and i don’t feel the butterflies.  and honestly, i can’t say the IN before the love.

but i see the friday nights staying in with a red box and homemade dinner, nestled on his couch.  i feel the warmth of his long arms wrapped around me as i’m struggling to keep awake.   i smell his scent on lazy saturday mornings, as we’re cuddling away the hours.  i see the sunday funday barbecues on his rooftop, smoke disappearing into the sunlit, blue skies, and the condensation running down the side of my vodka-on-the-rocks glass.  and i am truly happy in those moments.

because a part of me still reaches out to grasp his hand as we’re walking down the streets.  and a part of me still smiles when he greets me good morning and asks me how my day is going.  because it’s nice to be someones first and last thought.  and i know, he genuinely cares for me.

and that part is what keeps me here.  and at the same time, keeps me away.  because i don’t want to be the one to break his heart.  because truth of the matter is, he never did me wrong.  the only wrong he did was make me happy.

i thought about you today.

coffeeshop series: 10-6-12 | 11:37 am

i thought about you today. it’s been awhile since i have. you see, it’s because i’ve been trying to forget you. and for the most part it’s worked. i’ve refrained from remembering that mole just below your right eye or the small cysts i’d feel on your back when i’d embrace you to sleep.

see, i’ve been stopping myself from replaying conversations we had in my head. and to be honest, i even tried replacing you with other men. just to have someone fill that empty space you used to fill. and for the most part, it’s worked. because the fact of the matter is i had to let you go to let myself free.

when you were a part of my life, you were my only life. i ate, slept, worked, lived around and about you. i accepted that job to be near you. i moved out east to be closer to you. i drove miles and freed up my calendar just in hopes to be with you. i sacrificed a lot of myself on a relationship that wasn’t there.

it took me awhile. i guess first real heartbreaks are like that. i kept holding on for hopes that would never be realized. i was still naive and i think you took advantage of that fact. because time after numerous times, i’d still be there. waiting for you. open arms, forgiven and all.

it just took me awhile. three years to be exact to realize this. and by then, i was already finding peace with the situation. which is why it was easier for me to just disappear. i didn’t need to exhaust the sitation any longer with conversations or another four page letter.

by then, the only resolution was to simply walk away.

i’m sorry for that.

and after all this time, i see in hindsight that i probably confused you. maybe a part of me wanted to leave you hanging like the many times you left me without any reasoning. but all logic told me to just get up, let go, and never look back.

out of sight, out of mind. it’s not true. you were out of sight, but never out of mind. i had to train my mind to stop thinking about you. i had to train my heart from feeling for you. i had to train my soul to stop hurting. and like the body, my mind, my heart, my soul, started to rebuild itself. because of it, i’m stronger than i ever was. and in all honesty, i don’t think about you as much. and it really doesn’t hurt anymore. if anything, it’s all just bittersweet.

so, i thought about you today.

and i’m sorry, it’s bad timing and for the wrong reasons. you see, it’s because another boy is breaking my heart right now. and i thought if i remembered the good in you, i would hurt less. i was hoping you could take my mind off him. it worked for a little bit, thank you.

but it made me miss you. not in that longing, aching way i used to miss you. but i miss you. just your presence in my life. you, as a person. i still think about you from time to time. one day you’ll just be a distant memory. i hope that day doesn’t come anytime soon. you still have a way of making me smile. you still have a way of warming my heart. at least, the memory of you does.

i wonder who you are these days. if you’re a good father. i’m sure you’re an amazing father. i wonder if you’re still with her. i’m fine with that. my heart truly wishes you happiness. i want that for you. i want you to be happy. but what i wish most is, please, don’t forget me.

don’t forget the times we spent together. don’t forget that i once made you happy. that i used to be the girl your mind wandered to in daydreams and fantasies. just don’t forget you told me i was a catch – beauty and brains, you once told me. just, please, don’t forget my smile. don’t forget my positive outlook in life. because that’s what you loved most about me. and that’s how i try to live my days – positvely.

there was a time you made me hate life. i was sad and angry and anxious. sometimes, we just have to go through it all to learn and grow from. i felt pain and real heartache from you. but i’ve finally rebuilt myself.

i don’t want to be cynical anymore. i don’t want anger to eat away from me living a fulfilled life. i am blessed, so fortunate. i am blessed to have known you. i am fortunate to have met him. i won’t be angry anymore. i won’t let this anger eat away at my soul to the point where i don’t see the good in front of me. i won’t let this close up my heart, to the point that the man god planned for me won’t be able to find it.

i will continue to love. and this may mean that i’ll have to experience the anxiety and hurt again. but i’ll keep going until i find him, my soulmate. i will keep hoping and laughing and i will keep seeing the beauty in the ugly.

when i think of you again, i’ll remember you with love. i loved you then for the wrong reasons. i love you now because you continue to show me that i deserve more. don’t settle. don’t be cynical. keep loving. keep going.

temporary number.

I lost my phone about two weeks ago, along with my driver’s license, two credit cards, a bundle of cash, and my social security card.  Needless to say, my identity was lost.  I was awoken the next day to my bank and credit card trying to contact me because of fraudulent charges.  The following week consisted of trying to regain my identity.  Replacing my phone was on the back-burner.

Luckily enough, my dad was willing to loan me his phone temporarily.  And since it was only temporary, I didn’t want to plague his phone with new apps or new contact numbers.  I only gave my number out to literally a handful of the closest people I communicate with on a daily basis.  And even then, I didn’t store their names only numbers.

He was area code 818.

For the four months prior we talked everyday without fail.  It was harder to see each other because of the distance, so we’d keep connected by phone.  For him, 50 miles was long distance.  I guess, having a past relationship with someone while he was serving in Afghanistan made 50 miles seem like nothing to me.  So on the weekends, I’d make the drive out west on his side and we’d spend time together then.  I should have seen the fault there.  He couldn’t take the 2 hour drive to see me.  Sadly, I would have taken the drive without hesitation. 

So, we talked daily without fail.  Maybe a few sparse days here and there were silent because of hurt feelings.  But for the most part, it became a daily routine to greet him morning and catch up on each other’s day.  It became second nature to receive a random text from him and I was comfortable enough to bombard him with my random anecdotes.

So when a day passed without word from him, I started to feel incomplete.  And when a day turned to days, I felt the all familiar uneasiness in the pit of my stomach.  Let it be female intuition, but from past experiences, I’m always right.  I had a nagging feeling that he was back with a past fling and slowly trying to phase me out.  I’ve been here before.  At least this time, the damage is only four months, not four years.

To a lesser degree, the sting is still there.  Because every time I receive a text, a part of me still wishes it was him.  It still hurts to remember the good times.  I have to force myself to stop from thinking about him.  And I’m not gonna lie, I’ll definitely miss laying on his broad shoulders and tracing his glorious, muscular physique with my fingertips.  Or the way he’d caress my bare derriere as we fell asleep.  And all the inside jokes are all just bittersweet now.  And simple enough, I’m just going to miss having someone that my mind can wander to during day dreams and that moment right before I fall asleep.

It’s been awhile since I met someone who I was physically attracted to and who’s presence I could tolerate.  And trust me, from dating guys with no jobs and criminal records, my standards apparently aren’t that high.  And with 818, I thought I found those qualities in him.  All I really ask for is reciprocation.

Love me like I love you.  And if I feel you pushing away, then I’ll push away.  Because I never want to be in a one-sided relationship ever again.  I don’t want to be the only one fighting for something that only leads us in circles.  So when 818 stops making the effort to reach out to me, I’ll stop where I am now.  Get out before I fall any deeper.  At least this time around, I know it won’t take a year and half to get over him.  I’ll be good in a month.  It’s just difficult coming from a daily routine and abruptly stopping without closure.   

He was the first number I stored on my temporary phone.  He was the first number I deleted.  For now, it’s all just temporary.  Who knows where we’ll be in another week.  But for now, I’ve already packed up, guarded my heart, and hung up.

on turning 30.

I turned 30 on international waters.  Somewhere between Long Beach, CA and Ensenada, Mexico.  Somewhere between a pina colada and a free bottle of Absolut raspberry vodka.  And somewhere between sideways power naps with five of the best boozecruise shipmates and a cheap drunken, sex in da club style makeout session with a navy seal, limo service owning birthday boy from OC.  Cheers, to me.

 Did I feel any different? Honestly, no.

This could have been another weekend vacation, with lowered inhibitions and a whole lot of i don’t give a fucks.  And it was, especially on a trip with the motto “anything goes on international waters” resonating after every stupid decision.  But the underlying truth was I was turning 30.  Despite the numerous amounts of shots and drinks imbibed, I couldn’t forget the fact that I’d be ditching my 20s. 

But did I feel any different? No.

I guess, it’s because it’s been a slow progression leading to this moment.  I couldn’t wake up on October 1 and be a completely changed person, ready to face the real world as an adult.  I’ve been dealing with more bills and payments, as of lately.  I’ve learned and am still in the process of listening to my body’s cues on what I should eat, when I should sleep, and how to get stronger.  I’ve made new friendships, strengthened bonds, and realized what relationships were worth fighting for and letting go.  I’ve been defending my heart and making wiser decisions.  It’s all been a slow progression, but I’m getting to the point where I’m no longer that naive 20 year still experimenting with the world.

Lessons learned.  Everything from my past, every single stupid decision, every single heartbreak and disappointment, has led to the person I am today.  And I wouldn’t change a thing.

But, quietly in my heart, I know I don’t feel any different because I am still that naive 20 something year old who is scared shitless about the future and has no clue where she’s going.  And even coming back on land and receiving so much love from family and friends, hundreds upon hundreds of facebook and instagram greets, and just simple birthday cheers from strangers, I am still that naive little girl still waiting on that one little boy to greet her a happy birthday.  Because as hard as I’ve tried to learn from my past and prepare myself for disappointment, I still hope and think maybe this time, maybe this time he’ll like me more.   

Whatever age I am and as many times as I go through it, I don’t think you can ever be immune to heartache.  We love, we experience, we lose, we heal, we learn, but I don’t think we ever get numb to it all.  And I don’t think I ever want to.  I can honestly say, I’ve finally gotten over someone I thought I’d never be able to let go.  And after seeing a picture of him and his newborn, I didn’t have the usual anxiety attack.  I didn’t shut down and go into shock mode, as I probably would have just a few months prior.  But I did crack a smile.  A genuine, wholehearted smile of joy.  I was happy for him.  I was happy for myself.  I finally moved on.

So maybe this is my change.  Maybe realizing that I’ll eventually get over this current boy is what growing up is about.  And maybe realizing that I shouldn’t be wasting my time on meaningless relationships is what growing up is about.  Maybe realizing that I need to be selfish and take care of myself first is what all this is about. 

And I know a large part of the reason I’m still holding on is because I’m 30 – and apparently as every single one of my friends and family like to point out, I should be getting married and having kids soon.  Like, now.  And it’s easier to scream the single mantra that I don’t need a man and I’m perfectly fine having fun and dating around.  But, truth be told, I do like the kisses on my forehead and the way he forcefully embraces me to sleep, so much so, that I rather suffocate then have him slip away. 

Temporary pain.  Let him slip away.  I know letting go now means less hurt.  I’ve been here before, I’ll get through it.

So maybe, I am different. 

I’ll never get over being scared shitless over my future.  I’ll never be immune to heartaches or mini boy/girl drama.  I can never say I won’t encounter hardships or disappointment.  But the thing that comes with age is experience.  I’ve experienced it before, I can deal with it now.  And I know this because I’m stronger, more resilient.  So maybe that’s what growing up is about – taking life’s lessons that weaken and bring you to your knees, and using them to get back up again and become all the more stronger.

“damaged people are dangerous, because they know they can survive.”

Taken just one year apart to the date.  It was never about being a size 0, it was about regaining my life back.  It was about the dedication and determination.  It was about the daily struggle and journey.  It was about being selfish and investing time on myself – not just physically but mentally and spiritually.  Because the greatest gift I could ever give to myself was turning 30 at my strongest.

future seems so dim.

i think of you and imagine us 10 years down the road. i see us comfortable, with two kids and a dog. and i see us doing domesticated things at home, taking summer vacations, and throwing family parties during christmas. i see as two characters in my mind, forming intense dialogue and imagining a whole future for ourselves.

i look at you now, in this one bedroom apartment. and we’re struggling just to survive. the future seems so dim. we walk down streets and can’t even get past the ease of holding hands and goodbye kisses. and the future seems so dim. and i wait by my phone for emotionless greets and preconceived conversations. the future seems so dim.

in my mind, i’ve created you as a character to a future i know can never exist. and i string you along, in a reality i’ve intertwined with my fantasies until all definitions are blurred. and in my mind, i rationalize that maybe things can change. maybe if i stick around longer, things can fall into place. and while everyone seems to be getting married and having kids, maybe if i stick around the future won’t seem so dim.

lust at first sight.

i knew from the first moment i saw you
it was lust at first sight
the way you swayed over to me
i smelled your sweet cologne and
overbearing liquor
the way you stared longingly into
the gateway of my breasts
and whispered sweet nothings
and convincing, recited lines
the moment you touched me
and fondled the little of my back
to guide me around and bend me over
i knew it was a lust of a lifetime
the way you think of me
at late hours of the night
and leave me sweet messages
and blunt demands
and we talk and we moan
i fell in lust at first sight
and the days turned to weeks
and the weeks into months
and some years later
you came around
during the day’s sunlight
and touched my arm
held my hand
felt the warmth
and you stared
into the brown of my eyes
and said nothing
made me feel so much
smelled me in
and i breathed in your exhales
just to keep on living
and i knew right then
it was love at second glance